Достаю из кармашка в тамбуре палатки свой изрядно помятый невесомый шёлковый платок с отпечатками листьев. Пальцы немного дрожат, то ли от нежности ткани, то ли от волнующего предвкушения.
Шёлк мягко, почти невесомо ложится на глаза. Повязка пропускает дневной свет, но не привычные объёмы визуальной информации.
Я стою, пружиню в плотность мха, жду внутреннего движения. Начинаю медленно, шаг за шагом двигаться в сторону солнца. Оно за облаками, но я точно знаю, где. Вдруг ловлю едва ощутимое желание остановиться. Останавливаюсь. Ощущаю кого-то совсем рядом со мной. Вокруг ни шороха, только еле слышное тепло. Делаю обнимающее движение рукой и почти смеюсь. Поймала в объятие сосну, что в трёх сантиметрах от моего носа. Прижимаюсь щекой, шеей, грудью, животом, бедром, стою в этих объятиях, слушаю.
Дальше идти по лесу на двух ногах кажется несуразным. Опускаюсь на лапы, пальцы и запястья погружаются в тёплую влажность, колени наполняются сыростью.
Перед глазами появляется образ гадюки. Я ведь только утром двоих видела. Что это? Сигнал интуиции или тревога городского ума? Оцениваю вероятность наткнуться рукой на змею, пока ползаю по лесу с завязанными глазами — она ничтожно мала. Улыбаюсь мысли, что уж если такому суждено случиться, то кто я такая, чтобы пытаться этого избежать.
В этот момент приходит расслабление, по которому можно только догадываться, как я была напряжена. «Проверка змеёй» пройдена, тревога уходит. Я больше не ломаю мелкие веточки, попадающиеся под руку, не отшелушиваю сухую кору с деревьев, которые встречаю, не обдираю случайно ступнями мох с камней. Теперь в этом лесу я дома, не жду от него опасности, не чувствую его недоисследованным. Мне никуда надо. Я обмякаю и ложусь на мшистую перину, отдавая лесу весь вес, тяжесть, ответственность.
Лежать так, не заботясь о разглядывании (и тем более фотографировании) иголочек и шишек, фрактальных микролесов и больших деревьев над ними, так вольготно и славно, безбрежно хорошо. Нежась и потягиваясь, я поворачиваюсь на живот и ложусь ничком, погружая лицо будто в чуть жестковатый ворс родных волос.
Втягиваю его знакомый любимый запах, местами сладкий, прелый, тягучий как да хун пао, местами солоноватый, землистый, остро хвойный, а иногда и чуть-чуть морской, водорослевый, свежий.
Нежно тыкаюсь в него носом, будто в нетерпеливом предвкушении поцелуя, шевелю губами и — что это! —нащупываю ими кустик брусники! Гроздь гладких холодных ягод оказывается у меня прямо во рту. Катаю их на языке и не могу поверить, одну за другой ловлю зубами, лопаю, прижимаю к нёбу и переживаю яркий терпкий восторг. Лес кормит меня с руки, ласкает в медленной и неспешной игре.
Ягоды так меня взбудоражили, что мне хочется двигаться дальше. Чувствую, что лапы мои освоились, я двигаюсь медленно, но легко преодолеваю кочки и камни, обхожу, приобнимая, облокачиваясь или чуть почесывая бок, стволы деревьев. Я не знаю, куда крадусь, но что-то меня манит впереди. Может, он?
Рельеф вдруг меняется и на моём пути встаёт большущий, не дотянуться до верха, покатый и добрый валун. Я стою на ногах и одновременно лежу на нём всем телом. В нём какая-то до трепета знакомая шероховатость и гладкость, обросшесть, трещинки и полная надежность. Хочется не пропустить ни одну щербинку в нём, ни одну прожилку, ни одно нежное местечко. Пальцы мои знают, что делать. И в то же время не покидает ощущение, что камень, который я встретила, существо, напоминает что-то совсем близкое, родное, это доверие я мало к кому испытываю. Прижимаюсь виском, слушаю. И перед глазами как сквозь сон, образ любимого мужчины, смотрит своими мягкими спокойными глазами и улыбается.
Казалось, я провела рядом с ним, лёжа на нём и у его подножия, годы. В безмятежности и тишине. Оказалось, ведущая меня даже подходила и звала, была совсем рядом, но я не слышала и никак не отреагировала.
Этот трип случился за 45 минут в рамках ретрита «Проявленность» на Ладоге в конце августа. Спасибо @agni.sokolova за настройку, напутствие и бережное присутствие.
Впервые опубликовано в инстаграме @ann_chernykh 26 октября 2021 года.
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