Ровно год назад была на индивидуальной сессии аутентичного движения у Нины Кунгуровой. Пережила там очень особенный телесный опыт. И вот год спустя нахожу слова, чтобы им поделиться.
Аутентичное движение исходит из того, что есть движения, которые мы придумываем и делаем, а есть те, которые живут в теле, и стоит обратить внимание, как сразу ясно, где сейчас «сидит» импульс к движению, какого именно движения хочется моей руке, ноге, шее, плечу… можно разрешить телу реализовать этот импульс, последовать за ним, наблюдать и воплощать.
Это очень не похоже на привычное, сочиненное, продуманное, запланированное умом «красивенькое» движение. В рамках сессии важно иметь просторное безопасное пространство и наблюдателя, внешнего, бережного безоценочного человека, который будет держать пространство, свидетельствовать это движение, с которым можно будет в завершении обсудить «что это было?» С помощью такой фигуры постепенно формируется и внутренний наблюдатель — внимательный, неосуждающий, принимающий любое телесное проявление как единственно возможное и необходимое в моменте.
Моё движение на той сессии было для меня очень неожиданным. После звукового сигнала вступив в пространство практики, я почувствовала, что колени жаждут сгибания, опускают меня на пол, живот и грудь потянулись к полу, руки и ноги распрямились, вытянулись, будто я хотела занять всё возможное пространство.
Мне важно было ощущать поверхность всей площадью тела, которая могла с ней соприкоснуться. И в то же время я чувствовала, как то же желание сильно у моей спины и всей той верхней «свободной» стороны. Стараясь максимально сохранять соприкосновение с полом, я повернулась на спину и тут же ощутила, что живот, грудь, передняя поверхность бёдер и даже лицо хотят снова почувствовать твердость пола, тяжесть и контакт. Так я вращалась какое-то время на полу, желая быть одновременно вся, всей своей поверхностью распластанной по полу, я льнула к нему, вжималась, отдавала весь свой вес…
Об этот уверенный непоколебимый пол было важно по-новому утверждать свои телесные границы. Когда мы в завершении практики обсуждали, формулировали, искали слова для описания этого движения, ко мне пришёл такой образ.
Вот я сосуд, скажем, кувшин, а во мне вода. И в силу разных обстоятельств своей истории, эта вода в постоянном напряжении. Ей давно сказали, что растекаться по стенкам её родного кувшина неправильно, возможно, даже стыдно, нужно держаться из последних сил, стараться не касаться стенок, втянуться, зависнуть, левитировать, а не вот это вот самое простое, что ей, видите ли, хочется делать. Не опереться всей тяжестью на дно и стенки, не отпустить себя спокойно, зная, что кувшин всё удержит, не расслабиться, не занять всё имеющееся место.
Это озарение было огромно. Этот засвидетельствованный опыт исследования и проверки своего кувшина и того, что же будет, если не пытаться удерживать воду внутри себя от растекания, оказал неожиданное исцеляющее действие. Я стала невероятно чувствительной к напряжению внутри себя. Больше нет необходимости держать его целыми днями. Заметила — отдала всю тяжесть полу, стулу, кровати, стене, растеклась, обрела свободу.
Бывает у вас, что даже лёжа в кровати, например, по ощущениям почти её не касаетесь? Дыхание поверхностное, центр тяжести будто где-то в воздухе завис, а в груди непроходящая тревога?
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