Осеннее равноденствие в этом году хотелось отпраздновать особенно, побыть в равности дня и ночи, в собственной ровности и тишине, в уединении и присвоении богатого урожая этого года. Года с клубом, года с собой, года с природой, её изменениями, метафорами и дарами.
Раскидав дела, пристроив Ташу, наскоро собравшись, я уехала на ладожский берег, чтобы пройти небольшой дневной маршрут по живописной тропе. Я не ожидала особых приключений, разве что дождя или усталости в ногах.
Чем обернулась эта прогулка я рассказала в сториз (см. сохранённую папку «Тропа»). Кроме красот, скал, и просторов, костерка, бликов и вкуснейшей студёной воды, которыми я вволю наслаждалась весь день, в этом дне был всего один встреченный мной за день человек в самом начале маршрута, внезапное несварение желудка, дважды потерянная тропа, лай собак, чувствующих меня через воду и лес, карабкание по скалам в сумерках, ориентирование наугад в быстро стемневшем лесу, отсутствие всякой связи, автостоп и неясная перспектива ночлега. Как метко заметил один друг, «шикарно погуляла, похоже». Вернулась я очень довольная и живая насквозь.
А весь мой директ заполнился выдохами облегчения, когда история закончилась благополучно, вопросами: «не страшно ли одной?» и «как я решилась?», а так же сообщениями о том, как хотелось бы так же, но очень страшно.
И вот я много размышляю о страхе. О том, где на самом деле начинается страх, который страж нашей безопасности, а где тревога, выученные знания о том, чего стоит бояться, и куда не следует соваться, где фобии, где фантазии, где риски, а где женская гендерная социализация со всеми её погремушками.
Сейчас я отношусь к страху с тем же уважением, вниманием и любопытством, с каким встречаю любые свои переживания. Я не выбираю испытывать мне страх или нет. Он происходит со мной. Он сопутствует моей жизни с раннего детства, и лучше вам не знать, какого страха я там натерпелась, но страх в разных его аспектах мне знаком и, я бы даже сказала, родим. И у меня есть некоторые соображения, которыми хочется поделиться.
У Таши сейчас период, когда она боится темноты и изучает себя в этом. Свои реакции, ощущения, мысли. Недавно она сказала: «Ты же знаешь, мама, что я боюсь темноты? Так вот я поняла, что боюсь-то я не самой темноты, а того, что я в ней себе представляю! А представляю я очень страшные вещи, которым там наверняка нет».
Радуюсь этому открытию восьмилетней девочки. Разделяя, где телесное переживание, а где игра ума, я могу лишить страх его тотальности, ослабить его парализующую хватку.
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С этими мыслями я шла, ступая в тусклый свет фонарика по еле различимой тропинке в тёмному лесу. Шла и наблюдала, вот мне не страшно, у нас с лесом одно на двоих растворенное спокойствие, а вот я напугала себя собственными мыслями так, что сердце колотится, как сумасшедшее, адреналин зашкаливает, к ушам поднимается такой жар, что аж трудно дышать.
Тот же лес, та же я, даже та же темнота, что несколько минут назад. Я всего лишь подумала: «А не слишком ли беззаботно и необдуманно я отправилась в путешествие?» и «А вдруг как раз где-то здесь поблизости берлога того самого медведя, а он как раз сегодня не в духе?» и «Вдруг меня учуяла какая-то злая собака и сейчас несётся на меня, сквозь эту темноту?» и «Если я сейчас упаду и сломаю ногу, то…»
Идея, воспоминание или даже поза могут вмиг восприниматься телом как реальность, происходящая здесь и сейчас. И при том, что в реальности ничего такого не происходит, переживание настолько неприятное, что хочется от него сбежать в любую иллюзию безопасности. Отказаться от того, что может вызвать это чувство.
Я бы назвала это «страх страха» или «боязнь бояться». То есть, например, я боюсь не самого леса, а того, что в лесу мне может стать страшно. И я тогда я стараюсь избежать ситуации, которая потенциально хранит в себе такую возможность. Ведь любая перемена, любая новизна, таит в себе возможные страшные последствия. И боязнь страха делает эти перемены очень стрессовыми и нежеланными, сужает круг возможного, обесцвечивает и опресняет жизнь.
Многих из нас, девочек, учили бояться на всякий случай. Мало кого учили замечать, наблюдать, «идти по прямой до страха и через него насквозь» (Вера Полозкова), знать себя, как существо способное довольно быстро проживать, высвобождать, выравниваться после любой бури эмоций.
Многие из нас выросли в мире, которому нельзя доверять, в котором нельзя расслабиться. Что там в лесу! Даже дома у себя можно такого нафантазировать 🙈
Застрявший фоновый страх изнуряет и выматывает, превращает жизнь в выживание, подменяет желания тревогами, обращает мечты в покорность, замещает неповторимые яркие моменты распланированными монотонными буднями.
И ведь нельзя просто перестать бояться, отключить этот страх за ненадобностью, рационализировать его и смело двинутся к тому, что было недоступно. Можно себя заставить, конечно, разок-другой, но это самонасилие потом аукнется ещё более неприятными последствиями. А как же быть?
Я думаю, единственное, что помогает сосуществовать со страхом, что помогает поставить его на место, в один ряд с другими переживаниями, что не отрицает его, но и не даёт ему руль от моей жизни, это поддержка.
Не та противоречивая псевдоподдержка, какой пичкали нас с детства: то «да не бойся ты» и «ничего страшного тут нет!», а то: «я же тебе говорила никогда одна не ходи, ты не представляешь, как это опасно!» и «как тебе не стыдно, я вся за тебя изволновалась».
Опыт реальной поддержки может дать многое: психотерапия, глубокая групповая работа, медитация, близкие доверительные отношения, причастность к сообществу, и, конечно, мы сами себе. Я верю, что поддержка — это то, что есть у нас по умолчанию, и то, к чему можно обратиться в любой момент, когда она нужна, вне зависимости от того, есть кто-то рядом с вами или нет.
Какая поддержка у вас есть, даже когда никого рядом нет?
Впервые опубликовано в инстаграме @ann_chernykh 25 сентября 2021 года.
201 комментарий
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