«Ты точно Rebel!» — сказала мне Варя Лялягина, описывая книжку Гретхен Рубин «The Four Tendencies».
Как бунтарь (Rebel (англ.) — бунтарь), я, конечно, почувствовала сопротивление, что это она за меня решает, к какому типу я отношусь?! Но чтобы проверить, купила книгу Гретхен в аудиоформате, и она, как часто бывает у меня с книгами, вдруг всё мне объяснила!
В книге Гретхен предлагает типологию исходя из одного критерия — почему мы действуем и почему мы не действуем, как мы относимся к внутренним и внешним ожиданиям.
Исходя из этого критерия она выявила 4 склонности людей:
Upholders — те, кто всё делает правильно и соответствует внутренним и внешним ожиданиям,
Questioners — те, кто всё время задаёт вопросы, потому что прежде чем делать, нужно понять, зачем делать и изучить данные
Obligers — те, кто делает, если от них этого ждут другие
И, наконец, Rebels — те, кто делает, то, что хочет, и если им никто не диктует, в том числе они сами.
Гретхен подробно рассказывает о каждом типе, приводит много наглядных примеров, под каждый из типов сразу вспоминаются знакомые. Но как мы с Леночкой выяснили, снаружи не всегда понятно, к какому типу относится человек, судить стоит не столько по его действиям, сколько по мотивациям. А это уже повод для душевного разговора и попытки понять, как устроен другой.
В общем, про другие типы пусть пишут их представители, а я всю неделю ликую от знания, что я бунтарь, и это, похоже, неизлечимо. И нас таких 17% людей! Которые, всю жизнь пробовали жить по чужим правилам и инструкциям, подчиняться дисциплине, находить аргументы, радовать других, но ни черта не получалось, потому что это противоречит нашей природе.
Я почувствовала такое огромное облегчение от этого знания, что решила тут же поделиться с вами по горячим следам. Возможно, от этого стало бы легче женщинам Южных Курил другим бунтарям, и тем, кто пытается их понять.
Как устроены бунтари
Чем ярче горят мосты за спиной, тем светлее дорога впереди
Омар Хайям
Бунтари чрезвычайно чувствительны к тому, чтобы делать только то, что они хотят. Их сложно принудить делать что-либо, они говорят: «Вы меня не заставите, даже я себя не заставлю!»
Бунтарям сложно действовать, когда они должны, и просто, когда они хотят. Если для молодцов-апхолдеров работает формула: «Дисциплина — это свобода», то у бунтарей наоборот: «Свобода — моя дисциплина».
Свобода играет решающую роль. Бунтарям очень важно иметь выбор, иногда они делают даже выбор не в свою пользу, лишь бы убедиться, что выбор есть.
Многим кажется, что это подростковое поведение, которое бунтари обязательно перерастут, стадия, которую нужно переждать, но это важная часть их аутентичности и природы. И они всё время борются за то, чтобы быть принятыми такими, какие есть.
Им нравится нарушать правила и доказывать, что большая часть правил — полная чепуха, мыслить широко, нешаблонно, out of the box. Для других типов они пример аутентичности и того, насколько хорошо можно знать себя и свои желания. После общения с бунтарём возникает вопрос: «Может, я могу быть свободнее, чем я привык?»
При этом любое ожидание извне воспринимается как контроль, которого нужно избежать любой ценой, даже если то, что они сами себе пообещали или то, что они накануне записали себе в календарь. Любое такое ограничение сразу лишает спонтанности, появляется ощущение ловушки.
А если уж бунтари должны что-то сделать, то они придумают какой-то бунтарский способ, дающим им ощущение, что они делают то, что они хотят. Они отказываются принимать идею, что не могут чего-то сделать, поэтому они любят челленджи и споры на слабо.
В этой склонности много парадоксов. Порой бунтари делают что-то вопреки своим желаниям, теряют свободу, пытаясь доказать, насколько они свободны. Например, если они чувствуют молчаливое одобрение родителей, этого достаточно, чтобы забросить свою затею.
Для них, как ни для какого другого типа, важно быть тем человеком, каким они хотят быть. Бунтарям важно через действия выражать свои ценности, проявлять свою идентичность. В то же время они не хотят быть долго в рамках одной идентичности, определять и умалять себя какими бы то ни было ярлыками.
Бунтари не могут действовать под давлением, то, что они делают для других, они делают исключительно из любви.
Я слушала про бунтарей, и вся моя жизнь проносилась у меня перед глазами, пример за примером я накладывала эту информацию на свою жизнь и видела, насколько эта склонность объясняет всю мою жизнь.
Какого быть бунтарем?
Моему ближайшему окружению не повезло, эта книжка про склонности (в том числе к бунтарству) вышла через 31 год после моего рождения. Родители делали лучшее, на что были способны, пытаясь меня воспитать в кого-то другого, более правильного. Мама называла меня эгоисткой, папа до сих пор считает, что я всё разрушаю в своей жизни, свекровь и Серж считали меня неправильной хозяйкой, женой и мамой.
Вот несколько фактов о моём бунтарском характере:
Меня с детства привлекало почти всё, в чём был дух свободы: ветер, море, автостоп, мотоциклы, не спать всю ночь, другие прекрасные бунтари, уличные музыканты, музыка бунта, путешествия, походы, потом свой бизнес, идеи пассивного дохода и многое другое.
Я терпеть не могла спать днём, придумывала что угодно, лишь бы не заснуть. А если всё-таки давала слабину и засыпала, просыпалась в ужасно капризном настроении от своего «поражения». До сих пор так. Мне это кажется слишком правильным.
В школе и в университете я обожала прогуливать, сидеть в каком-нибудь дальнем школьном углу, болтаться по улицам, а на филфаке был слишком приятный дворик и слишком много интересных знакомых, чтобы тратить время на парах! Даже сейчас, прогуливая учёбу, я ловлю особый, ни с чем не сравнимый кайф.
При этом я всегда обожала на одной из первых пар семестра вызваться писать реферат или делать какое-то исследование. Не тогда, когда все должны будут что-то делать к зачету, а заранее, пока у меня есть свобода выбора.
Уже в третьем классе я завела второй комплект тетрадей, которые я целую четверть не ленилась вести, переписывая туда уже проверенные классные и домашние работы по математике и русскому. Чтобы мама не ругала меня за тройки, в «её» комплекте были только четверки и пятерки, которые я сама размашисто ставила красной ручкой.
Вообще в школьные годы я так много врала, что иногда вела дневник, в который записывала всё своё враньё, чтобы не запутаться. Основная задача была в том, чтобы делать то, что я хочу, но при этом не расстраивать родителей и до последнего оттягивать момент неизбежного наказания.
Маме было важно, чтобы я не смирилась с ролью троечницы, но и не задавалась из-за успехов, типа, всё время стремилась к лучшему результату. Той же стратегии придерживалась моя учительница английского (чуть ли не единственного предмета, на который я ходила с удовольствием), там, где другие легко получали пять, у меня было «a very good four», потому что я, видите ли, могу лучше. Я из спортивного интереса всё учила, чтобы посмотреть, когда ей уже станет совестно за это издевательство.
В 10м классе я узнала про антиглобализм, участвовала в антиглобалистских конференциях и демонстрациях, читала Лимонова и Стогова. До сих пор помню, как кайфовала, читая, что единственное, чему школа учит детей, это приспосабливаться. Я приспосабливалась, как могла.
При этом я совсем не пила, не курила и не пробовала наркотики, ведь это то, что делали все вокруг! Вместо этого я прогуливала свою школу, чтобы ходить на пары в Аничков лицей, куда меня не взяли учиться.
На прошлой неделе знакомый попросил меня прочитать одну книгу, он был уверен, что она мне понравится и будет полезна, и очень хотел её со мной обсудить. Но когда я слышу такое, мне уже точно ясно, что я эту книгу читать не стану. Чем увереннее тон и прямее просьба, тем меньше желание.
Когда с утра я вижу свой календарь с планами на день, где всё так здорово стыкуется, и день обещает быть таким эффективным и рабочим, меня начинает подташнивать, и я отменяю и переношу большую часть этих дел. И иду гулять довольная!
Если я обещаю себе регулярный спорт, какое-то ограничение в питании или какую угодно другую привычку, можно быть уверенной, что я не продержусь и пары дней. Сама идея, что мне даже моё собственное правило диктует, что делать, меня жутко раздражает. Может, показаться, что дело в отсутствии силы воли. Но что это за воля, которую нужно удерживать силой?
Когда я прихожу к врачу, а он начинает мне рассказывать, что я непременно должна делать то или это, я заранее знаю, что не буду делать. И не сосчитать, сколько раз я выходила из их кабинетов, хлопнув дверью.
Когда мне сказали, что, возможно, у меня бесплодие, мне тут же ужасно захотелось ребёнка как можно скорее. И в скором времени появилась Таша.
Врачи настраивали меня на кесарево, но я пошла на курсы к домашней акушерке (тоже, видимо, бунтарке), которая вела курсы о том, как рожать в роддоме так, чтобы никто лишний раз не посмел вмешаться в процесс. Помогло.
Несколько раз я работала в офисах. Самое долгое, сколько мне удавалось продержаться, три месяца. Просто приходить на работу, когда темно, и уходить с работы, когда темно, было выше моих сил. Зато со студенческими программами Йельского университета и Вассарского колледжа я работала целых 7 лет. Там у меня была полная свобода действий, много ответственности, интересных задач и огромная зарплата.
Я бунтовала даже против бунтарства. Взяла и сделалась хорошей женой: «Предназначение быть женщиной», поддержка мужу, все дела. Мне до сих пор стыдно за тексты, написанные в тот период, и убедительные разговоры с подругами о том, какой должна быть настоящая женщина. Именно этот отказ от своей бунтарской природы, своей силы, своей самостоятельности в итоге привёл меня к депрессии.
Но потом уж я пошла к психотерапевту, и именно терапия помогла мне осознать, что к чему, найти силы, чтобы забрать свою свободу себе.
И какой ещё я могла завести блог, как не «Может быть по-другому»?! Посвятить его минимализму, экологизму, бодипозитиву, всяким альтернативным штукам, а спустя два года написать в журнал текст «Мы не знаем, как вам правильно жить», и восстать уже и против любых ярлыков и идеологий.
Ребёнок-бунтарь
Конечно, тут встаёт вопрос, формируются ли эти склонности, являются они врожденными или становятся стратегиями выживания, что меня крайне интересует, но Гретхен не психолог, и в эту тему особо не лезет.
Так или иначе я наблюдаю, что большинство детей в возрасте до 5 лет проходят через все 4 стадии:
— делать всё правильно, аккуратно, чтобы каждая вещь лежала на своём месте,
— быть почемучкой и задавать миллион вопросов, всё глубже разбираясь в том, как и что в мире устроено,
— радовать тех, кто рядом, делать что-то не для себя, а для того, чтобы быть хорошим для других,
— проверять на прочность все возможные границы, быть нехочухой, делать наоборот и отказываться подчиняться.
Так ведь, родители? Ваши дети проходили эти периоды?
Но со временем одна из склонностей становится достаточно заметной. И знаете, что я заметила? Что Таша моя тоже по ходу бунтарка!
Это не слишком заметно, потому что мой подход к родительству даёт ей очень много свободы и много выбора: с едой, одеждой, занятиями, сном — ограничений минимум. Но когда она точно отказывается действовать, бунтует или тихонько делает наоборот, так это когда она слышит повелительное наклонение, уговоры бабушек и любые запреты.
Вот, например, чистка зубов. Было время, когда мне казалось, что пора приучать ребенка чистить зубы. Таше нравилось выбирать зубные щётки и пасты (у нас сейчас 4 или 5 на выбор), но как только я говорила: «Пойдём, пора чистить зубы!», она никогда не соглашалась. Мне быстро надоело это принуждение, я изредка вяло рассказывала ей о пользе этого занятия, о возможных проблемах, но не настаивала. Просто свои чистила.
И вот уже довольно давно она безо всяких напоминаний и помощи, а иногда и через моё недовольство («Давно спать пора, Таш, завтра почистишь!») каждое утро и каждый вечер с удовольствием чистит зубы. Ещё и меня проверяет.
Бунтарю важно знать, что это его желание и его идея! Таша даже мультики не смотрит, когда я ей говорю что-то вроде «Мне надо поработать, а ты пока посмотри мультик, ладно?» Если это мне нужно, а не ей — никакого интереса.
И у меня таких примеров вагон!
Общение с бунтарями
Самое полезное, что есть в книге Гретхен Рубин, это даже не примеры и описания типов, а то, как найти подход к людям, не похожим на вас. Как понять других и говорить с ними на понятном для них языке. Это кажется контринтуитивным, мы привыкли разговаривать с другими, исходя из своей склонности, приводить аргументы, которые нам понятны, что очень часто приводит к конфликтам и обратному эффекту.
Слушая книжку, я испытывала сильнейшую тревогу. Ведь если все эти люди — 83% людей вокруг меня, которые не бунтари — устроены настолько по-другому, что для них за интерес читать мой блог, участвовать в моих программах и воркшопах, как они могут верить мне? Если я хочу действительно быть понятой, я должна говорить с ними на их языке.
Но под конец книжки Гретхен дважды успокоила меня.
Во-первых, она сказала о том, что бунтари очень нужны обществу, чтобы двигаться вперед, ставить под сомнение то, к чему все привыкли, давать каждому свободу проявлять себя, лелеять возможности выбора, освобождать других от их собственных надуманных и давно не работающих правил. Ну и вообще за ними любопытно понаблюдать. Так что берегите бунтарей!
А во-вторых, оказывается, если какой-то подход не встречает сопротивления у бунтаря, он подходит всем четырем типам. Гретхен выявила формулу сообщения, которое наверняка будет воспринято бунтарем нормально:
ИНФОРМАЦИЯ — ПОСЛЕДСТВИЯ — ВЫБОР
Это то, что работает с детьми-бунтарями, со взрослыми-бунтарями, а так же с остальными типами. По этому алгоритму написаны лучшие объявления (по сути весь инфостиль об этом). Этим навыком владеют врачи, руководители и преподаватели, которых бунтари уважают. В общем-то это о том, что «да» и «нет» весят одинаково.
Когда же речь идёт не о том, чего кто-то другой ждёт от бунтаря, а о том, что он сам хочет сделать, очень важно не передавить себя правилами, планами и обещаниями регулярности.
Подходит формат игры, челленджа или любой другой выбор. Гретхен приводит в пример одного читателя, который написал ей, что вместо списка дел, он пишет свои задачи на отдельных бумажках, сворачивает и кладёт в миску, а потом наугад вытаскивает дело и делает. А другой называет свой todolist coulddolist’ом. Мне такой подход очень близок — выбирать из большого количества вариантов.
Никогда ещё никакая типология не была для меня такой практически полезной.
Меня прям переполняют эмоции последние несколько дней! Возможно, вам тоже интересно будет пройти тест и выяснить вашу ключевую склонность, прослушать или прочитать книгу The Four Tendencies на английском, ну или уж дождаться, когда она выйдет на русском.
Признавайтесь, среди вас есть бунтари? А те, кто с трудом понимает, как можно так жить? Если пройдёте тест, расскажите обязательно, к какому типу вы относитесь, и насколько вы согласны с результатом!
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