Впервые опубликовано в инстаграме @ann_chernykh 20 марта 2020 года.
Чем меньше сил, тем более мы склонны действовать на автомате. А автомат — это не то, о чём мы в прошлом году прочитали классную selfhelp книгу, не то, что мы пару месяцев назад начали прорабатывать с психологом, не то, какой я могу быть, когда выспавшаяся, сытая, погулявшая и помедитировавшая. Это когда у власти старые привычки, деструктивные паттерны, чужие инструкция, эмоции и состояния, и я не замечаю, как иду на поводу у того, что не поддерживаю.
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Я на автомате склонна включать дополнительную заботу о других. Отодвигать своё, живое, неудовлетворенное, больное, слабое. Переносить внимание на тех, кто вокруг, кому «сложнее». Брать на ручки, обнимать, донатить, выслушивать, кормить, находить точные слова, становиться тёплой принимающей мамой, которая поцелует ушибленное, обогреет, поднимет, оправдает и пр.
Когда я оказываюсь в этой роли, ко мне выстраивается очередь. Всем не хватает такой мамы. Многие хотят прийти и погреться. Получить мудрый совет. Узнать моё мнение. Заснуть у меня на коленях.
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Мне это по-своему выгодно. Решать чужие проблемы прикольнее, чем свои. Чем больше вокруг тех, кто опирается на меня, тем проще игнорировать, что вообще-то я сама почти без опоры, держаться в иллюзии, что я-то справляюсь получше многих. Хотя мы на самом деле вполне равноценно паршиво друг об друга справляемся.
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И в какой-то момент, прогнозируемо, заканчивается ресурс и на это. Общение начинает раздражать, выходки людей злят, копятся обиды, появляется ощущение использованности, хочется всех пригревшихся выгнать, и наконец самой свернуться на чьих-то коленях калачиком, но таких коленей, как правило по близости не находится. Да и просто признаться в собственном бессилии, слабости и нужде можно, дай бог, психотерапевту.
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Такая реакция — следствие непростой жизненной истории, механизм, наработанный с очень раннего возраста. И я знаю, что не одна такая. Поэтому хочу поделиться одной формулой, которая родилась у меня не так давно, и позволяет сохранять осознанность в сложные моменты. Звучит она так:
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Я ГОТОВА БЫТЬ МАМОЙ ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ СВОЕГО РЕБЁНКА
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Просто до абсурда. Важно до мурашек.
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Эта фраза напоминает мне сразу несколько важных вещей.
🙌🏻 Я мама, и есть человек, чья безопасность и благополучие зависят пока в первую очередь от меня. От моей отдохнувшести, устойчивости, способности контейнировать, уделять внимание, задавать рамки, согревать.
🙌🏻 Быть мамой не долг, повинность или обуза. Это мой выбор, моя готовность, моя ответственность.
🙌🏻 Для меня важны эти отношения, они не похожи ни на одни другие отношения в моей жизни.
🙌🏻 Я не должна быть «мамой» никому другому. Даже если они очень стремятся усыновиться и удочериться. Особенно если. Ни собственной маме, ни папе, ни старшим родственникам, ни подругам, ни партнерам, ни подписчикам, НИ-КО-МУ.
🙌🏻 Я врежУ людям вокруг меня и отношениям, которые мне важны, когда строю их как родительские, опекающие.
🙌🏻 Я могу в любой момент перестать «мамашкаться» с другим взрослым человеком, даже если я на автомате туда влетела.
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Я ГОТОВА БЫТЬ МАМОЙ ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ СВОЕГО РЕБЁНКА
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А вы?
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