Впервые опубликовано в инстаграме @ann_chernykh летом 2020 года.
«Ну расскажи же про отношения, наконец! Как это, новые отношения после развода?» — один из повторяющихся вопросов в последнее время.
И, конечно, хочется найти слова и поделиться этим опытом. Только я бы не сказала, что это отношения после развода. Это отношения после трёхлетнего осознанного перерыва, уединения, прояснения с собой многих важных вопросов, привыкания к тому, кто я такая сама по себе, без отношений с другим, представлений о том, каких отношений хочется в будущем, что для меня действительно ценно.
Три года без отношений — лучший подарок, какой я могла себе сделать! Там был и траур по утраченной семье, и возвращение одной старой влюбленности с новой силой, и какие-то эпизодические тиндер-свидания, и уточнение того, что же по-настоящему приносит мне удовольствие, и понимание, что даже если в моей жизни больше не будет партнерских отношений, жизнь эта ценна, дорога и стоит того, чтобы не сдвигаться в компромиссы и терять хоть что-то из того, что мне дорого. В первую очередь, ту свободу, которая у меня есть.
И вот прошлым летом пришло какое-то новое особенное чувство, которое выразилось словами: «Я хочу быть любимой при жизни!» (почему именно этими словами, другая история)
И лето стало полным полно улыбок, историй, трогательных переписок, свиданий, прогулок, пикников, покатушек на машине, кино в обнимку по ночам, плаваний на каяках по каналам в 5 утра. Мне кажется, я за всю жизнь столько не общалась с мужчинами, сколько за прошлое лето. Я не хотела выбирать, наслаждалась тем, как по-разному чувствовала себя с каждым из них, насколько разных тем мы касались, насколько могла доверять своему телу, уточнять границы, не спешить, не инициативничать, как раньше.
Я очень благодарна тому лету и тем парням за веселье, тепло, интерес, смелость. У меня появилась уверенность, что теперь я не дам отношениям перевернуть мою жизнь вверх дном, подчинить всё совместности и взаимности. Но я точно могу пригласить в свою жизнь больше нежности, игры, искренности, доверия.
В моих новых отношениях оказалось, что можно очень многое, о чём я раньше только в психологических книжках читала. И не гипотетически, не единожды, а вот уверенно и безопасно. Не натягивая известные форматы, а прислушиваясь к тому, что сообразно нам сегодняшним.
Можно не сходить с ума в бесконечном стремлении друг к другу, а сближаться осторожно и постепенно, на каждом шагу раздумывая, а точно ли хочется, уточняя, что для каждого из нас приемлемо.
Можно быть двумя взрослыми, которых охватывает трепет, не столько страсти, сколько едва переносимой нежности.
Можно дать происходить любому спонтанному проявлению с уверенностью, что в любой момент это можно закончить и разойтись.
Можно сколько угодно наслаждаться друг другом, и всё равно уходить уютно спать в своей спальне в одиночестве.
Можно не играть ролей, не ждать друг от друга никакого полезного функционала, обходиться без насмешливых шуточек и другой пассивной агрессии.
Можно выбирать свои увлечения, дела и детей, свободу для другого, а не ежедневные встречи и не совместную жизнь.
Можно попробовать жить вместе, и через недельку-другую понять, что это не то, что радует, и снова просто встречаться.
Можно знакомиться и строить отношения с детьми друг друга безо всяких попыток стать одной семьёй, с уважением к историям наших семей.
Можно не ограничивать себя и другого одними только этими отношениями, говорить о чувствах к другим людям, обсуждать каково нам с этим, и не для того, чтобы как-то повлиять, а только чтобы не скрывать важного, углублять доверие.
Можно не иметь ни единого обязательства друг перед другом, и при этом иметь много ценности и любопытства в том, чтобы оставаться рядом, даже когда это совсем не просто.
Можно много и трепетно говорить о важном, откровенном, сокровенном, о неприятном, о том, что не нравится, не устраивает, злит, о том, к чему восхищение, признательность и благодарность, о том, о чём прежде ни с кем и язык не поворачивался говорить.
Ирония в том, что познакомились мы после моего выступления, которое называлось «Можно всё?». Там речь шла будто бы о детях и свободе от воспитания, но скорее о том, что пока не разрешишь себе, то и детям сложновато. Вот, практикуем)
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