На пороге больших перемен, при принятии важных решений, мы частенько находимся в довольно уязвимом состоянии, когда нужно сохранить максимум смелости и осознанности, учесть много факторов, взвесить все за и против. В этот период хочется поговорить с разными людьми, об кого-то подумать, кому-то выложить мысли из головы. И в то же время случайное, брошенное на ветер чужое мнение может сильно подкосить уверенность или вообще в корне изменить ход событий. Я стараюсь быть особенно внимательной к тому, что мне говорят, что пускать внутрь, а что пустить дальше по ветру.
Сформулировала для себя 5 критериев, которые помогают вернуть осознанность и контроль, когда влияние извне неизбежно просачивается. Короткий чеклист на случай, когда чьи-то слова засели в голове:
1️⃣ Я поинтересовалась мнением этого человека?
Часто мы говорим о наших переменах, ожидая моральной поддержки, ощущения, что я справляюсь не совсем в одиночку, что это трудное дело, которое я затеяла, стоит вложенных в него сил, что кто-то в меня верит. Но не все умеют такую поддержку, не все догадываются, что нужна именно она, поэтому начинают выуживать из своего опыта похожее, давать категоричные суждения, иногда весьма весомо. Если вы не интересовались мнением, всегда можно дать понять, что вам нужна поддержка другого толка, включить «шум океана» или даже постфактум позлиться на непрошеный совет.
2️⃣ Мнение высказано в достаточно спокойной и равнодушной манере?
Иногда на нас влияют не столько суждения, сколько эмоции человека. И тут не важно, негодует, раздражается или преисполнен воодушевлением другой человек, его эмоции могут очень быстро заразить. Если сейчас собеседник сам увлечён каким-то вопросом или переживает последствия своего «неправильного» решения, он может звучать подкупающе убедительно. От равнодушного собеседника такой однозначности не получишь, и будет возможность принять собственное взвешенное решение.
3️⃣ Я считаю, что человек разбирается в вопросе?
Привет, эффект Даннинга-Крюгера. Менее компетентные люди склонны завышать свои способности в силу незнания более широкого контекста, а более компетентные оценивают себя ниже, зная, как многого они ещё не знают или могут не предусмотреть. Тут речь не только о самоназванных экспертах из инстаграма, но и о близких, которые могут иметь весьма веские аргументы из опыта «сына маминой подруги».
4️⃣ Человек разделяет мои ценности и взгляды на жизнь?
Каким бы компетентным не был мой собеседник в своей области, мы можем не совпасть ценностями. Скажем, риэлтор может считать отличной инвестицией котлован в Мурино, а я, выросшая в старом фонде, не вижу для себя в таком жилье совсем никакой ценности и не хочу поддерживать своими деньгами строительство однотипных спальных районов. Я уж не говорю про выбор школы для ребёнка. Возможно, ценности вообще стоило вынести в первый пункт!
5️⃣ Человек готов нести ответственность за совместно принятое решение?
Вспоминается анекдот про мудрого Филина:
— Мышки, станьте ёжиками.
— А как?
— Я не знаю, я стратег.
Очень я опасаюсь таких стратегов, особенно, когда они есть в близком окружении. Звучат они уверенно, будто берут под своё размашистое крыло и видят будущее. Прежде, чем принимать их мнение во внимание, я дважды переспрашиваю себя, могу ли я представить, что эти люди будут вместе со мной встречаться с последствиями? Обычно, изнутри я слышу скептическое: «Ой вряд ли!»
Если хотя бы по одному из критериев, ответ «нет», это не значит, что человека не стоит слушать в принципе. А вот поставить ценность того, что он говорит, под большой вопрос можно.
Если вы похожи на меня, то подходящее решение, если не приходит, то уточняется и шлифуется именно во взаимодействии, обсуждении, контакте. Но вот важно помнить, что контакт контакту рознь. Мой опыт говорит, что иногда сказанное мимоходом мнение обходится очень дорого. И важно дать себе время, чтобы рассмотреть ситуацию с разных сторон и собрать объемное видение.
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