В связи с проектом 365thingsless меня часто спрашивают, не обижаются ли мои друзья и знакомые на то, что я избавляюсь от вещей, которые они мне подарили. Хоть такое и случается довольно редко (обычно от малознакомых людей), мне интересно покрутить этот феномен. К тому же как бы я ни обрадовалась в момент получения подарка, не факт, что я захочу хранить его вечно. И теперь я иногда думаю о том, что меня читают люди, которые подарили мне ту или иную вещь, и решаю, что пока не буду про неё писать, чтобы их не задеть. Но чем дальше, тем меньше мне понятно, что в этом обидного вообще?..
Тем более, что сейчас такие времена, когда есть магазины подарков! Времена, когда у всех всё есть, и приходится быть всё более изощрённым и изобретательным, чтобы таки выдумать какой-нибудь приятный презент. Времена, когда не принято являться на многие события с пустыми руками, не принято мастерить, не принято передавать своё, в почёте только ПОКУПАТЬ, тратить деньги на поддержание отношений, хотя так ли это необходимо?
На нас за годы жизни навесили столько представлений о том, как принято и не принято поступать, и эти представления, засевшие, кстати, очень глубоко, конечно, до поры до времени упрощают существование в социуме, но когда они усложняют отношения с собой и окружающим меня пространством, я предпочитаю пересмотреть представления, а не увеличивать пространство :)
Сходу вспомнила 5 пословиц о подарках, уже не особо актуальных в нашу эпоху изобилия:
Дать — не устать, да было бы что. Знаете, бывает: «Увидела, и сразу подумала о тебе!» Здорово, мне приятно, что ты обо мне подумала, но насколько хорошо ты подумала? Что я буду с этим делать после того, как улыбнусь твоему знаку внимания? Дать-то, может, и не устать, а вот взять и искать этому место/применение/пристраивать — та ещё работёнка. При этом у щедрого на подарки человека еще и поднимается самооценка, вот он какой молодец, дарит, делится с миром, радует друзей. Хотя ведь в основном это просто повышение уровня энтропии в жизни этих самых друзей.
Дарёному коню в зубы не смотрят. Ну при дарителе, может, и не смотрят. Но потом-то надо знать, кого запрягаешь :) К тому же КОНЕЙ последние годы дарят редко, а «коней» можно и внимательно рассмотреть. Но вроде и неловко признаться, что то, что тебе подарили не совсем то, чего бы ты хотел, а то и вовсе дать понять, что ты совсем ничего и не хотел. И еще хуже прослыть неблагодарным, не умеющим принимать подарки человеком. Хотя что такого в том, что ты сам себя обеспечиваешь тем, что тебе нужно? Бывало у вас такое, что уже в момент дарения вы говорили, что это совсем не ваша вещь, и лучше её сдать назад в магазин или подарить кому-то другому?
Дарёное не дарят. И вот, предыдущие две пословицы вы хорошо усвоили, сидите, полный шкаф подарков, некуда девать. А тут вроде повод — чей-то день рождения. И наверно человеку понравится то, что вам, в общем, не особо нужно, еще и деньги на новый подарок тратить не нужно, но тут в голове красной лампочкой укоризненно загорается неизвестно откуда запрограммированное «Дарёное не дарят», и вы либо сто раз продумываете, не узнает ли подаривший, одариваемый или кто-то из их знакомых о таком зверском вашем поступке, решаете не рисковать и плетётесь искать какой-нибудь другой «настоящий» новый подарок. (Что в свою очередь глобально выглядит как перепотребление, провоцирующее перепроизводство! Но это уже совсем другая история, о которой мало кто думает, стараясь не запятнать свою репутацию.)
Подарки любят отдарки. Ещё ловушечка. Вроде кое-как пристроил на антресолях всё, что надарили, как в голове начинает гулять мысль: «Они же мне вот сколько всего подарили, да какое дорогое, да как заморочились, а я что? Я тоже срочно должен им что-то придумать и подарить, причём не менее достойное, а лучше и ещё что подороже, чтобы они увидели, что я им благодарен». Ну или похожие мысли. И начинается «сложный ритуал обмена подарками». Важно помнить, что вы можете выйти из игры в любой момент. Это просто вещи.
Кума не мила — и гостинцы постылы. Чёрт с ними с гостинцами, если «кума» не мила, может, стоит просто сократить общение? Например, просто однажды отказаться решительно от её подарков? Здесь, кстати, надо иметь в виду, что часто этим заблуждением (что ты что-то должен в ответ на подарок даже тому, кто тебе не симпатичен) пользуются манипуляторы, о чём подробно и очень разносторонне написал Роберт Чалдили в прекрасном учебнике по сопротивлению манипуляциям «Психология влияния». Так, однажды я избавилась от большого количества постылых гостинцев от одного очень неприятного человека, хоть это были и дорогие подарки, просто выбросив их в ведро, чтобы не мелькали, не напоминали и перестали иметь надо мной хоть какую-то власть.
Но не все пословицы одинаково устарели, есть одна, выражающая очень ценную для меня концепцию:
Не дорог подарок, дорога любовь. Сколько бы со всех углов, баннеров и вдохновляющих картинок нас не призывали отождествлять себя с этими прекрасными, стильными вещами, с таким лаконичным дизайном и расслабленным лайфстайлом, который эти вещи предполагают, у нас есть одно базовое знание: мы это не наши вещи! А значит наши отношения это не отношения вокруг вещей. Я хотела бы иметь достаточную прямоту сознания и окружение, достаточно готовое к тому, чтобы услышать:
«Я люблю тебя, мне классно, что ты пришёл меня проведать, а эти материальные доказательства наших отношений верни-ка, где взял»
или
«Я не буду ничего тебе дарить, потому что уважаю твоё пространство и твоё решение жить с меньшим количеством вещей»
или
«Не дарите мне ничего на день рождения, а если вам всё же некуда девать деньги, перечислите немного, например, этой организации (ссылка на благотворительный проект, который вы поддерживаете)»
или
«Мне приятно, что ты думаешь обо мне в путешествиях, в следующий раз просто пришли смску :) »
Я это всё к тому, что не надо обижаться, если ваши подарки не занимают почётного места в чьём-то доме-музее. Это просто вещи. И подарить эти вещи порой намного проще, чем найти тонкий, искренний, действительно ценный момент, чтобы поделиться своим временем, заботой, знанием или просто помолчать рядом. Хотя где-то ждут именно этого. Того, что умеете только вы. И только я.
А как бы вы отнеслись, если бы увидели среди 365 вещей то, что вы мне подарили?
491 комментарий
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