— Чем ты болеешь?
— Ноябрём.
Вот уже три недели я кашляю, горячею, остываю, теряю голос и снова кашляю. И не могу припомнить года, чтобы ноябрь не делал этого со мной. Так что пора записать его в разряд важных вещей, пожалуй, наряду со следующими:
Сексуальность
Тема сексуальности как-то особо не поднимается в этом блоге, и, конечно, зря. Важная же вещь! Мне нравится рассматривать сексуальность максимально широко — как способность получать удовольствие от жизни: от себя и своего тела, движения, взаимодействия, творчества. Исследовать всё это до дрожи возбуждающе, страшновато, но так любопытно, что как начнешь ещё в детстве, так и не остановиться :)
Последнее время я очень аккуратно выбираю ту информацию, которой хочу себя окружить. Тема секса такая: каждый её эксплуатирует, как умеет, что бывает ой как стрёмно, когда доходит до манипуляций, откровенного вранья и единого эталона, какими должны быть мужчины, женщины и их сексуальные отношения. И здорово в этом инфопотоке находить то, что спокойно, глубоко, бережно и в тоже время ещё не известно.
В эту субботу, 25 ноября, например, я иду на конференцию «Сексуальность: психология, телесность, экзистенция». Читаю программу и уже чувствую, как трудно будет выбрать между лекциями, воркшопами и круглым столом. Открывает конференцию Лев Щеглов, чьи книжки я ещё в школе таскала с родительской полки, дедушка сексологии в России. А проходить всё это будет в Центре Сексуального Образования Secrets, была там недавно, приятное место.
Приходите, увидимся! Все подробности тут — https://vk.com/sexconfspb
А что, если ничего не изменится?
Что если ты никогда не разбогатеешь? не похудеешь? не встретишь любимого человека? не переедешь на другой континент? не просветлишься? и так далее, подставьте ваш вариант.
Этот простой вопрос я услышала в последней книге Брене Браун, и он стал для меня своеобразной карманной проверкой. Да, я могу быть недовольна многими ситуациями и процессами в своей жизни, говорить об этом, злиться, но что, если ничего никогда не изменится? И про большинство таких вещей я могу уверенно сказать: «Да и ладно!», но есть другие, где прям красными лампочками загораются: «Нет, это то, что я хочу, могу и буду стараться изменить!»
Болеть
Ещё три-четыре дня назад я написала бы о замедлении, домашнем уюте, отмене встреч и дел, вкуснейшем грибном супе из того, что было в холодильнике, нежностях с Ташей… Но сегодня я напишу о другом. Порой я болею так сильно и чувствую себя так плохо, что, кажется, умираю. Когда кашель выворачивает наизнанку, которую ночь подряд совсем не можешь спать, или лежишь подо всеми тёплыми вещами, и всё равно трясешься в ознобе.
В эти по-настоящему хреновые моменты (а я помню их все, со школы и до этой недели) я ценю опыт проживания бессилия, беспомощности, уязвимости, честности. Как есть. Просто сдаться, быть и наблюдать. И наблюдать, как постепенно болезнь отступает.
Утяжеленное одеяло
Я писала об утяжелённом одеяле, когда оно у меня только появилось, потом оно кочевало по друзьям, а недавно захотелось снова под ним поспать. Что могу сказать, когда кашляешь так сильно, что аж подбрасывает, оно очень приятно прижимает своими 15-ю килограммами к кровати и даёт забыться сном хотя бы ненадолго. Теперь жду, когда кашель пройдёт, чтобы насладиться им по полной.
Заморозка журнала «Может быть по-другому»
Да, те, кто следит за жизнью журнала уже знают эту новость. Самое большое событие этой осени. О том, почему так, что дальше и как на каждого из нас повлияло участие в проекте, мы написали последний пост. Я хочу написать ещё от себя, но всё оно пока очень свежее, непрожитое, бурлит внутри и проживается.
Что ясно, так это то, что мы молодцы, что всё это было. Что были честными друг с другом. Делали лучшее, на что были способны. Встретили людей, способных встречаться с непонятным, разноцветным, чуждым, чувствовать, быть и быть любопытными. Сейчас ещё здорово, что мы закончили этот этап без надрыва, не тащили сдохшую лошадь, не доводили до предела отношения и не ждали чуда. Но и не ушли по-тихому в полное отсутствие новых статей, рекламные анонсы или неоплаченный домен.
Всё правильно сделали.
Праздновать
Если помните, журнал начался для меня с Dragon Dreaming’a, у меня несколько дней жил основатель этого подхода к ведению проектов Джон Крофт. И журнал журналом, и проекты проектами, и дрэгондриминг дрэгондримингом, но Джон показал мне наглядно, как важно праздновать! Не обязательно устраивать вечеринки и пить шампанское, пускать фейерверки и ходить в бумажных колпаках, празднование в другом. В том, чтобы слышать себя, то и дело останавливаться, понимать и признавать то, что ты сделал, как ты это сделал, к каким последствиям это привело.
Ядро празднования — быть увиденным. Быть увиденным в своей уверенности и силе, в уязвимости и ранимости. Давать и получать обратную связь. Воспринимать каждого в его целостности. Обмениваться впечатлениями, чувствами, осмыслять ситуации.
То, о чём говорил Джон попадало куда-то в самое сердце! Мне хотелось кричать: «ДА! Да! Я люблю праздновать, я умею праздновать! Я действительно хочу заниматься этим четверть жизни!»
Оказывается, я много лет зажимала себя в этом, мол, зачем столько разговаривать, ну зачем встречаться, да стоит ли тут вообще рефлексировать, да зачем опять что-то записывать, выражать, объяснять, звать всех на дачу?.. Вроде как это не самые эффективные и продуктивные вещи, но я всегда чувствовала, что именно они играют огромную роль.
Спасибо Джону, что разрешил мне праздновать! Полтора года назад я проводила его на Сапсан, вернулась домой ликующая, празднующая себя и свой опыт, окрыленная и счастливая. Хотите расскажу, какое масштабное празднование самой себя я тогда затеяла?
Я увидела, как это празднование может пронизывать всю мою жизнь. Посиделки с друзьями — празднование. Написание этого и всех других моих постов — празднование. Психотерапия — что, если не празднование?! Да, не всегда празднование похоже на день рождения с аниматорами, оно чаще принимает другие, всегда разные, но естественные формы: беседы, медитации, слёз, танца, совместного молчания у камина, шумной вечеринки, письма с благодарностью.
Праздновать то, что было и то, что есть, чтобы снова мечтать, планировать, делать и снова праздновать. До самого конца.
У меня никогда не будет важнее дел! А у вас?
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