Возможно, самая сложная неделя этого года.
Общность
Ужас кемеровского пожара раздавил меня, как ни одна другая новость прежде. Я слонялась по квартире, со дня на день передвигая свои дела, читала соцсети без разбору, то и дело заходилась рыданиями. Быть одной в такой ситуации — худшая идея, это я знаю с прошлого года, когда в Питере был теракт, а я тоже провела весь день дома, читая о тех, кто подвозил людей, кто шёл вместе по улицам, кто был со своим городом, в отличие от меня.
Поэтому во вторник я пошла вечером на Марсово поле. Просто побыть с людьми, которым, как и мне, не всё равно. У многих были красные заплаканные глаза. Много было тихих разговоров между собой. Были красные гвоздики и детские игрушки, один взгляд на которые поднимает комок к горлу.
Казалось, ну что я пойду?! Но быть рядом с другими, смотреть, как со всех сторон, несмотря на мороз, потоком идут люди, смотреть друг другу в глаза или просто стоять рядом, потупившись — огромное дело. Совместное переживание помогает переживать, даёт важнейший опыт принадлежности к сообществу. Спасибо Брене Браун, что посвятила этому свою последнюю книгу.
Боль
Я уже не раз писала в этом Годе Важных Вещей о слезах, о трауре, о том, как мне важно не прятаться от сложных и тяжелых чувств. Наверно, это не всем подходит. Наверно, не всегда есть силы на то, чтобы погрузиться в боль и побыть с ней. Но у меня есть. И с каждым событием, которое я не пропустила мимо, которое коснулось меня, моей семьи, моего города, моей планеты, о котором у меня поболела душа, мне всё менее страшно пускаться в это в следующий раз. Я точно знаю, что оно меня не разрушит, что я не стану разрушать себя.
Сижу сейчас и смотрю на портрет моей мамы. Такой портрет есть на кладбище, у папы, у бабушки, на даче и у меня дома. Такая аватарка для офлайновых социальных сетей. Со дня её смерти пошёл какой-то новый отсчёт. Будто всё самое страшное уже случилось, и я была на самом дне, и была там достаточно, чтобы обустроиться и получить опыт глубоководных погружений, опыт темноты, опыт барокамер и постепенного поднятия на поверхность. С каждым таким опытом боль пугает меня всё меньше, а полноты жизни всё больше.
Улики
Это слово возникло в процессе психотерапии, это физические «документы», остающиеся в процессе взаимодействия с близкими людьми. В разговоре можно друг другу наговорить разного, но обычно мы не записываем это на диктофон, а если разговор был конфликтным, то очень трудно его потом воспроизвести и уж точно никак не докажешь, что и кем действительно было сказано.
То ли дело, когда остаются улики. Гневное письмо вместо поддержки, гуглдок с обсуждением условий развода, коряво нацарапанное поздравление с днём рождения со странным пожеланием, которые тащишь на терапию с ощущением некоторого ликования: «Смотрите, мне не показалось, наконец-то есть что-то, кроме моих ощущений, что-то, что их подтверждает!». Я складываю эти улики в коробочку с ценными вещами. Пусть не забываются. Когда я разрешаю себе настоящую злость, я разрешаю себе и остальную настоящесть.
Весеннее ласкающее солнце, которое вышло в конце этой недели, осветившее и согревшее все недоразумения под ним творящиеся, было очень кстати.
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